Identity ...

Every day I look into the mirror to identify myself! .. However am not being able to you. Someting within me tells me that I am not the "face" I see in that mirror. I am lost in the quest to identify myself .. am trying to l0cate "me" in a huge crowd of faces - and I am just not able to know which face is mine or how is it that I actually look.

Seems like I have gone blind - however my sleep is never dark. It is full of faces - it is full of light, not letting me sleep - making me wander in my quest. I have travelled far and wide - however these faces follow me wherever I am - infact they always multiply!! I do recognize them cuz I have lived through each of these "faces" ... however I cannot identify myself with any one of them .. they are distant but close ... I dont forget them - neither do they let me. They haunt me in the middle of a night - they don't let me sleep or be at peace ... I am trying t orun ...as fast as I can, as far as I can - though these faces always find my whereabouts. I wonder how? I wonder why?

They make me feel miserable - for they are exactly what I am and dont want to be. I want to get rid of them, want to rise above them ... am desparate .. am running to hide away and I cant! I am low, fear being possessed by the faces around. There seems to be no end to it. My conscience is not clean - for I am constrained by my ability to see, to feel, to love or to respond.

These "faces" are my sins, my anger, my insecurities which I nutured initially and now with time these have grown big to clasp my humble self into a web of discrete motives. I find no way out, am helpless, am confused, feel bad for being a miserable soul - words I said and choices I made, now seem to be all wrong. I sit lonely with my faces and wish I had just one face bcuz for now its difficult to know who I am?

I'll try and see the mirror again in a hope to find a new face - one which is not angry for wht it is, one which has no insecurities abt its being, one which identifies the god within and is happy for this one chance to live. I am thus looking for a new identity .........

A place called home...

Been in Singapore for about 15 days now and have been looking out for a place to stay .. have looked at atleast 10 places by now, but can't make up my mind on any one of them ! ... Am confused, never have looked for a house for myself .. that choice was always made by others and I don't know what to look for ... so guys I am calling for help!! ...

Here are some of my random thoughts over it ...

I need to get up by the squirks of a few birds playing along the tree of my bedroom window ... when am up want to look at that rising sun hiding itself amidst a tall city ... that place where the freshness of morning inpires me to "RISE" and give my best to this new day I am blessed with ....

When I am back from a busy day, there are kids playing around, that place is warm enuff to embarce a dirty me, to give me that security that I am finally home ... and as night grows older to help me see that glittering city in lights as if there were a million stars right in front of me ... a place which calms down the anxioux me ... and when I go to bed it makes me realize that - life has grown older by one more day ...

I am looking for a place called 'home'! ...

A full circle...

Little did I know this would happen! ...

A few months back when I packed my bags to come back to Mumbai from Abu Dhabi (after having lived there for 3 years) little did I know that Mumbai actually doesn't want me to stay back either ... Its been a little over 3 months and I am packing my bags one more time to leave Mumbai and go to Singapore!

I believe some one up there has taken that multi-city model way too seriously in my case :-) Having studied both in the UAE and Singapore, I guess they want me to contribute towards their economy by working at those places... LOL...

Jokes apart, I have realized one thing ... remember that movie "Jab We Met" ... has a famous dialouge ..."Life mei jo actual mei chahoge real mei ..woh jaroor milta hai" is absolutely true. Somehow now when I think back, while leaving AUH I always wanted to be an Indian hedgie and work in Singapore (Rajan can vouch for that) and when my tiger called me up to say that I need to based in Singapore now, smthing within me told me that it was all planned-destined-decided...must say tht dude up there has been really kind!

At this point in time I have no further ideas, life is taking me places and I am going with the flow ...

India so far ....

If one word can describe my 14 day stay so far in Mumbai - it would be "competition". Just as you step out of your house there is a competition to find an auto-rikshaw, as soon as you reach the train-station there is competition for a seat in the train (the unwritten rule of mumbai - if you are not in the train till the time it stops - you would have to stand till Dadar on the Borivali-Churchgate train). Once you step of the train, you need to compete for a Cab whose fare is still not fixed by the government and you need to pay whtever amount is demanded from you. Finally you reach for an interview only to realize there are atleast 20 other resumes on the desk of the interviewer and you need to compete with those for an eventual job. After living outside India for 4 years now, I must say some of these experiences are truly overwhelming!



However, home is home afterall and you come to terms with all of it gradually. Slowly you learn to share the auto-rikshaw and cab's, you find a group of friends in the train who talk all non-sense - right from the stock market to tv-soaps. No one has no idea about anything, but definitely has an opinion about everything :-) Just yesterday on my way from Churchgate to Borivali in the 6.17 local, I happened to discuss so many things with fellow passengers .. finally I also started talking non-sense and was damm happy about it.


Finally the job! Must say I've got lucky to find one here in Mumbai. One thing I have realized is that despite so much of economic growth there aren't plentiful jobs in India nowadays and its really difficult to find something unless you are really lucky. While I was sitting at the Abu Dhabi airport for the final flight to Mumbai, somewhere within myself I was scared of the challenge ahead. The feeling was like when you want to jump in the pool without knowing how to swim. And now, I am just glad that home has embraced me with all its colors and warmth. Someone up there is definitely watching me and has helped be at the right place at the right time .....


(Meanwhile for people in Mumbai - my contact number is 9619531233 and I know I have loads of friends to catch up with) .....

A new life...

Finally the day has come when I bid adieu to ADIC. Today being my last day at work here in ADIC, I feel nostalgic thinking about all the up's and down's I've had in the past 3 years. However, I believe its time for me to move on. I want to take back with me lots of good memories from this place and hope that I am able to overcome the not so good one's I've had here. Good or Bad, ADIC has taught me a lot both in professional and personal terms and I am happy that I am not leaving Abu Dhabi out of sheer disgust. Infact, at the bottom of my heart I sincerely believe that my role for this short stage of my life is over and I am quite content to have played this role well (life is indeed a story of short stages with different roles to perfom).

There have been loads of positives to look back on during these 3 years - strong bonding with my SP Jain colleagues who came to Abu Dhabi with me right after our MBA, interactions with some very good set of ADIC colleagues, a few good friends I have made here, diverse learning experience working as an Analyst and most importantly learning that human spirit is above all religion. I have become more tolerant to ideas, cultures and opinions. I wish I can carry all of these back to India with me.

For Mumbai - I am more than happy to go back. I have been away for 4 years in all and certainly feel a need to reconnect with all lost threads back there. Life ain't gonna be that easy back in Mumbai, however my time has come to take up that challenge one more time. 2nd June is when I fly back and I am already overwhelmed by the feeling of being back home. I must say one thing I have terribly missed in all these years is good "home made food".

Its time to start packing some good memories for now :-)

I want to thank all my Abu Dhabi S.P. Jain colleagues for making Abu Dhabi a great living experience. Trust me, without you guys this place would have been really boring! Lastly there is an endless list of people I need to thank - right from various cook's to the dedicated taxi drivers who have made there own significant contributions in my journey here in AD. May god give you guys all you want and deserve in life ...

Sayonara .....

The re-start button!

Hmm... So I pressed it! ...
"Why all of a sudden?"
"Where are you going?"
"What are you going to do next?"
"Are you sure, you want to do this?"
"Rethink a bit .... even if you are 99% sure"
...Some of the statements my boss made this morning after I resigned from ADIC (yep I did it finally). I am going back home and am super happy about it. After 3 years at ADIC, my heart told me that I need to move on .. or rather move back to India - Mumbai.

Past 3 years in Abu Dhabi have been a great learning curve for me - professionally and personally. There are so many ups and downs to talk about, success(es) to cherish, failures to forget and memories to go home with. During my first month in Abu Dhabi, I didn't think I would stay here for 3 years - that too in the same company, same house, same bedroom, same bathroom, same bed (though once in a while I managed to change my squilt set :-) ) and same of probably everything one could think of. Infact, a great indicator of you having lived in a city far too long is when you meet the same taxi driver twice! and I have met more than one of them thrice atleast.

Working with ADIC has been even more exciting. I must be the only employee till date that has worked on all projects within my department. Abu Dhabi is a great place to work in provided you never question the system .. the day you do it; either the system breaks you up or you quit by yourself. Change is the only certainty here; just that the "change" happens every month and probably it gets you to a point where you start thinking - if everything around you is changing and you are not; may be something is wrong with you (e^-rt)

However, I have no regrets being here ... I have learnt a lot and take back a lot with me. Now is the time to look inwards than outwards. Time to re-start..

And yeah .. I don't have answers to any of the questions my boss asked me earlier today!

All I know is that I am going hommmmeeeeee..................