A secret answer....

Not so long ago, I was at a social networking event. Over a glass of wine, I was in discussion about spiritually with one of the members present at the event. This is when I was asked a really simple question - 'What do you fear most?'

Thinking about it for 5 seconds - my answer to this really simple question was even simpler - 'An artist always fears his own art'. I didnt realise it instantly, however, while coming back home I wondered what made me say that sentence. It is probably one of the most generic answers ever given to an even generic question. What really got me thinking about the answer is the connection my 'fear' has with my spirituality. Simply put it - 'Is my worship for my creator an offshoot my fear?' Every day morning when I pray - is it only for the fact that I do not want the creator to take away my 'art'? And if this generic statement applies to me - it should apply to the creator himself - he should be worried about his own 'art' - of creating life forms. What if it is all gone one day ..........

But, for love, there is a always a fear of hate. 'Fear' by itself is not a bad thing at all - infact it is the fear of losing which results in bringing together. Unfortunately though, in this competitive life fear eventually becomes your definition and you start running towards your fear. Whether it be 'money', 'power' or 'control' - the fear of losing it makes you lose it eventually. Think about it - death is nothing a fear of living in a particular state. It was the fear of being alone that made the creator create this universe in the first place.

A strong sense of fearfulness creates divides - it draws boundaries among nations, it creates rules for its citizens, it creates dogmas for its society - one is not free anymore because you accept fear for the fear of being alone. Many great thinkers have tried changing it - no one has ever succeded! Last words of the most recent dictator were 'Dont Shoot' - fear eventually took him over as well....

I am sadened by the fact that I m not free anymore - that I have found happiness in my fear - that I am not strong enough to come out of it - that I fear death and have stopped enjoying life. I don't want to goals in my life - I don't want to think about 'if' 'but' 'why' 'when' - What is stopping me - nothing, why am I not doing it - I dont know, how long will this last - good question!

I have misunderstood courage - which is not roaring in the face of fear - its just saying softly to myself 'I'll try again tomorrow..............' (to break free)

The creator...

100's of trillions of P&C, each one in combination of the other - following a chain, self balancing, self evolving, self creating, self destroying - the fitest survives, change is a finality that shall always prevail. I never thought about it until recently - Why am I here? Where did I come from? Where would I go? - Am I representing a particular set of permutation or combination? Am I just a representation of spactial energy who's decided to be here for the time being before I start travelling again? Is this my only destination or I am scheduled to be elsewhere in some other time? Honestly, I didn't give much thought, until recently, when it stuck me that in reality there is no human, no space, no galaxy, no universe .... It is the "Creator's" conspiracy to keep you away from the truth...

I just wonder - how? How can the system be so perfect, flawless, self-fulfiling. In financial terms, this is fire-cracker stock - its needs no additional funding to grow. It is indeed a thought out game - the creator allows you to be here, he gives you resources to play with, a mind to explore them, creates the rules and modifies them on his own will. You are a pawn and a player at the same time - it is only the realization thats missing. Deep down you know you are not in control of things around you. Collectively as a race of humans (irrespective of the religion, caste, society) we fail to recognize the importance of being one in times of crisis. This is what the creator loves - he loves to manipulate us, he loves to see the friction (though he hates it the most), he loves to empower us, he loves to destroy us - or in his own word - he loves to maintain a "Balance".

So what is the truth? - Truth is that - there is no alien or there are as many aliens as you can see. A human is an alien to another, for the representation of energy within me is different from the energy within you. It's just that we have a common medium to communicate (language). One needs to know that communication is not restricted to language to explore - trust me, aliens are a reality - just that you and me havent figured out a way to communicate with them.

Truth is that - space (our solar system) is just an illusion - you only know what you are supposed to know and more importantly are capable of knowing. There is no definition of space - it is indifinitve in dimensions (forget about 3D's and 4D's). Truth also is that the universe (beyond our solar system) is also an illusion - a super "program" which has all the characteristics mentioned above. Truth is you will only experience what all you choose to experience and nothing more than it - we communicate with each other not just in the language we speak but also through the energy balance we dont know about. There is no luck, there is no destiny - only truth is the path of the unknown which every energy source follows - without knowing where it ends or if it ever ends. Definitive truth is you will die a million times and re-borne a million times - energy never dies - it just transforms itself.

And who is the creator? - I am still searching and will surely figure out by the time this journey ends...

A new friend...

It is really dark outside. Am on my my bed but can't sleep due to that niggling pain in my right jaw. Am thinking of running away; away from this pain, from the darkness that surrounds me, from all the expectations that bound me, from all the ethos that me a righteous individual, from the god that rules me!

Not able to see anything I close my eyes anyways. Not thinking how today went and what I need to do tomorrow. I am free of what has happened to me and what I would be doing further. I am away from both reality and fiction. I am away from that tiredness I was experiencing thus far.. all I know is that I am breathing. I forgive myself for all the mistakes made, I let go others who I believe have been bad to me. I am not angry anymore for being hurt by words or actions. I am now a wind that is just flowing irrespective of the shape or form. I am that light in that darkness that sees me content with myself irrespective of all failures. I am just happy being what I am - no more, no less than that. I take that step ahead to find the peace within :-)

From all the peace I am experiencing, there comes a thought - thought of making of a new friend. Someone who doesnt judge me, someone who listens to me unconditionally, someone who doesnt take the liberty of flirting with emotions, someone who is pure, as transperant as water, someone who tells me what I am, someone who lets me see through me, someone who doesnt hurt me through his action or inaction, some who doesnt make me sad. Some one who stays - irrespective of a million people walking by me. I've decided to be my best friend! ...

(Being judgemental about others is bad, being judgemental about oneself is a crime!) .. and this someone is not gonna be that :-)

Beta shaadi karlo ....

Dedicated to all my "married" friends - who offlate have been buggers!! ;-)

9 out of 10 pings on Gtalk, 5 out of 10 on FB and every phone call back home to my lovely mom - asks me the same question nowadays!

"Tu shaadi kab kar raha hai??!!" - "Kab, Kisse, Kahaan, Kyun" - "tu gay toh nahi ban gaya" - "Ladki kaun hai, ab toh bata de" ...

Phew, honestly, I wish I had an answer to any of it (except the 3rd one - NO)! par answer nahi hai - there not even a guesstimate on any of it. Ladki kaun hai toh dur, ab tak ladki ko dekha bhi nahi hai ... aur shaadi ko abhi saari umaar padi hai.

But I have a question, y do you "married" friends talk or ask abt getting married?? ;-) I think it comes out of sheer frustration of being married and living with a feeling of being grounded - while a single friend like "HP" is having all the fun in the world dancing to WACKO music and meat around him! Saalo dost ki khushi dekhi nahi jaati tumse!

It is a big misconception that one can't be happy being single. You can go anywhere you want, do anything you want, go home at any time you want and there is no constant phone call/message - asking "Kyan cho?"... LOL ... You can party your way to glory ... you can dance with multiple partners (because this is a public blog I'll stop there) ... you are allowed to keep your room in a state of mess ... infact the entire house in a mess .. (if my room or house is not a mess, I won't be able to find most of my things) ... kabhi bhi khaana kha sakte ho ... you can get up any time in the morning .... you may choose not to bathe entire sunday (or even brush for that matter). Kya chahiye aur life mei! ...

Freedom is always better than a golden cage afterall !! ... so the next time you guys ping me, I hope v'll be discussing about good things in life - your's and mine! We all know within our hearts who is more happy, so stop asking or pushing me into it. I am not spilling the beans here cuz I know all my "Bhabhiji's" will read this post as well and I sincerely don't wanna waste ur Sunday! ... ha ha...

Republic Day ...

Nah, I didnt get up at 6.30am today - didnt have to go for a flag hoisting at school! .. And I didnt get those free Jalebi's and Samosa's as well :-( (both of which I absolutely love).

When you live away from home you realise how special it is to be within your country - amongst your own people. Safrron, white, green and blue - representing a billion different identities - all livign together under one flag, same ideology (well almost) and character. Biggest democracy in the world is what we call "India". We are a great nation ..... Country of Buddh, Chanakya, Akbar, Laskmibai, Gandhi, Patel and offcourse Sachin's straight drive - well for that matter Sachin's paddle, sweep, reverse sweep and leg spin :-) Think about it, which other nation speaks 36 different languages (forget those million dialects), follows more than 5 religions - and certainly worships more than a million gods. No One! ...

I am sad though, sad for the fact that whatever I wrote above is only "some what" true nowadays. India is battling corruption (probably 100x in magnitude than late 70 & 80s), crime, terrorism, poverty, inflation and worse - apathy of its people to change the situation. I am sad that our great nation is polarized between ideologies and practises, capitalism and socialism. Government is a thug - between 2003 and 2008 look at the magnitude of public assets transfered to private treasuries, be it Oil & Gas assets, Coal mines, telecom etc.... In my favourite language of all "Gujju" we have a saying - "jeno raja vyapari teni praja bhikhari" and it suits perfectly to the Indian context right now. We the "aam aadmi" are not fighting inflation because we are poor but our state has not left us any income generating asset to finance the deficit. In a better way - "we are fucked!" Aam aadmi "aam" toh kya "gutli" bhi nahi kha sakta ... for once need, comfort and luxury are sold at the same price in India (Onion, beer and Petrol all at Rs. 65)

It is really sad to see all of it happen under the leadership of an honest guy like Dr. Singh, however, reality is that riches have become richer and poor has become poorer. State is not funding any new infrastructure porjects (because honestly it cant). what we call a "public-private" partnership is a hoax to transfer fruitful assets to the private sector. Govt is neither enterprising nor commited to the good of comman man. I am tired of all the scandals, tired of justice being defered, of all the state of affairs generally. Govt is corrupt, opposition wants its own share, parliament doesnt work - One gets paid for not working in a country where if I don't end up working for 12 hours a day I will get paid nothing. Kaise, Kyun aur Kab tab chalega? I didnt vote to see myself being mocked at ......

May be with all the virtues, we have to accept some of the vices. Question is till when? You, me, us have to decide! .....